Suffocating

Sometimes, I feel like I'm suffocating. Like life can't seem to give me a break. Like I'm doomed to wander this world sad and stressed out and on the brink of emotional meltdowns at any second. Once upon a time I was very happy. I hardly ever cried, everyone would always tell me that even when I was angry, I smiled. Well not anymore. For some reason my face has been stuck in this permanent frown. I'm tired of being handed these sucky cards. I'm tired of life getting harder and harder with no silver-lining in sight. Isn't that the point of trials? For them to end so that we can grow and become stronger? Not for them to keep growing until they're this huge monster that threatens to consume your life with misery. Every time something happens to me, I add it to my list. This list started in March and has just gotten longer. For about a month I was on this amazing spiritual high, I read my scriptures like I was reading Harry Potter. It was such an amazing experience to feel that great all of the time. Then it just slowly drifted away. Now I read my scriptures once or twice a week and don't pray nearly as often as I should. I wish I could say that I came up with the solution to these problems by myself, but it wasn't until I heard a testimony from a very wise woman on Sunday that I realized I've been doing life wrong. Some trials don't end. You can pray as hard as you want, but they just drag on forever. This doesn't mean that God loves you any less, that doesn't mean that God isn't paying attention to you and your prayers. It just means He's strengthening you. Have you ever heard the phrase "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"? I call bologna. God gives us more than we can handle all the time. There is no way that I'm a strong enough person to handle these things on my own. I remember what that feels like, and it's unbearable. What I mean is, God gives us more than we can handle BY OURSELVES, but if we turn to Him, life becomes just a little bit easier. The stress is gone because when you truly embrace the fact that God has a plan for you and knows what He wants you to do, then there is no need to worry so much. God will give you money, God will give you time, and God will give you your daily breath. So instead of spending so much time worrying about things that God has the power to help you with, serve Him. You may not be able to repay God for everything that He has done for you and every blessing He has bestowed upon you, but you sure can try. Strive to be perfect. Because you can be. Take little aspects of your life and work hard to perfect them. One at a time. Perfect your scripture study, perfect your prayers, perfect your studying habits or your hobbies. We are striving to be perfect beings in an imperfect world. There are struggles. There are trials. There are heartaches and there is sorrow. But there is also a loving God and we must never forget that.

Kacey Meets the Piano Guys!

So Thursday, my roommate Elise and I, went to see The Piano Guys. Live. At BYUI. It was so great! They were sarcastic and fun and played phenomenally! Then after the show we got to meet them! They're just as funny and nice off stage as they are on.

Since Mother's Day is quickly approaching, and my mom is one of the biggest Piano Guys fans I know, I decided to buy her their CD and I got it autographed by all of them! I'm totally winning Favorite Daughter Award this year. :)

One cool thing I found out while the Piano Guys were performing is that the cellist's name is Steven. Well it just so happens that my younger brother Stephen also plays cello, and has often told me how much he wants to pursue a career with it. So, being the great older sister that I am, I got Steven to write him a note, telling him to never give up on his dream.

The note was way sweeter than I could've imagined and I know he'll love it. I'm just so glad that Steven was such a great guy and wrote him a perfect note! Thank you Piano Guys, for helping me to inspire my little brother to follow his dreams and never give up. Not only do they have uplifting music, but they are such uplifting people as well and I am so blessed to have met them!

Adventures in Stage Makeup!

This semester I'm taking a Stage Makeup class! Fun, right?! So far we've just been doing basic corrective makeup, but I can't wait to get into the really awesome stuff. Here are some pictures of what we've been doing so far:

This is glamour makeup, basically I tried to make myself look bold! Every time I thought my makeup was crazy enough, my professor would shout "BOLDER!" at me.

The morgue picture for these was this:

I didn't make it exactly like her because my professor wanted me to darken my skin tone more and make the eyeliner thicker and longer, but that's where the basic idea came from!

I'll be uploading more pictures as I go!

When Life Hands You Sour Lemons, Add Some Sugar

So in March, one of the greatest men I knew passed away. He was my comforter, my supporter, my friend, and my grandfather. He went to my first play with a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and kissed me on the cheek after telling me how proud he was of me. He comforted me when I went to him with tears in my eyes about my problems, holding me in his arms and telling me everything would be okay. He laughed at every single one of my jokes and was always on my side, even against my parents. He made me laugh every chance he could, and showed me exactly what it means to love your wife with every fiber of your being. He was such a great example to me of what a real man is and showed me every time I was with my grandparents how a woman should be treated. He instilled some great values of family in my father and even though he wasn't a member, I think most of his family ideals were better than even some family's in past wards I've been in have had. He was honestly and truly one of my favorite people and I've never in my life imagined life without him. He's always been like a second dad to me and I thought of him as invincible. I knew he was going to be with me when I got married, shaking his fist at whoever my future husband will be, telling him to treat me right or he'll get a lesson from one of the military's finest. I knew he would be there to hold his great grand children and be a comforter, supporter, and friend to them like he was to me.

Last semester, I woke up to eleven missed phone calls from my mom and four from my brother. My mom left me urgent voicemails telling me to call her back, and her voice was cracking and sounded like she had been crying. I didn't want to call her back. I didn't want to hear the bad news. But then my phone rang again, as I answered the phone and listened to my mom, my eyes swelled with tears and my heart sank. I didn't believe it. I laid my head on my pillow and told myself to wake up. This couldn't be happening, not now, not to me, not while I was in Idaho, away from my family. I told my mom I had to go and started getting busy. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I got prepared for class. I had to keep myself busy or else it would get worse. I would start thinking and lose it. When my roommate saw me crying she asked what was wrong and I couldn't spit out the words. I felt like if I said it out loud, then it would be final. I silently cried in her arms and told her what my mom had just told me. She held me, telling me how sorry she was and that she was here for me. I stood up and told her I had to get ready for class. I put on some makeup and my clothes and thought some fresh air would help. Even though it was -9 degrees outside with heavy winds, I walked. The wind in my face numbed me and my tears froze before they could run down my face. When I got to class, I broke down, silently sobbing in the back row during the lecture. A girl in my class offered to help me, but I graciously declined. I don't need help. I never need help. My friends told me to pray and watch Mormon Messages, but I didn't do either. I told them I did, but I didn't. I was so angry with God for taking away my loving grandfather. I was so angry at God for making me so alone. I had no one. No family, no friends that I really felt close with. No one. I was going to spite God and make sure He knew I was having a hard time and that I would make it through this without Him. The first two days were excruciating. All I wanted to do was cry, I occasionally looked at the sky and said "I hope You're happy. You caused these tears." Then, one day in my communications class, a girl gave a devotional on courage. She showed a Mormon Message that made me cry. "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is all you have left." I knew that at this point, being strong was the only thing I had left. And all of my strength was reliant on the Lord. I went back to my apartment and prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before. I told God exactly how I felt, my perspective, my state of mind, and how I hated everything. Then I watched another Mormon Message called Mountains To Climb. In this one, the Brazilian man was going through something very similar to me, and he turned away from God as well, but then he came back. And because he came back, he was able to make it through everything. He was able to dull the pain and the heartache and have the Lord there to comfort him. After watching that video, I asked my cousin to give me a blessing. I needed the Lord. No matter how much pride I have, nothing can be done without the Lord's help. In this blessing, I was told that my grandfather was comforted, that God prepared him for what was to come and that he is being taken care of.

I've been able to gain such a strong testimony of eternal families, even though my grandpa wasn't a member, I know that right now he's in heaven, receiving the missionary lessons from my aunt. :) I know that in a year we'll do his temple work and our family will be able to be together again. I know that he will be there when I go through major milestones in my life. The veil is thin and he is always with my family. He would never leave my grandmother alone. Whenever I think of my grandparents, I know that families are forever, because when you love each other that much, it won't stop after you die. So even though this was the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, and I would never wish this type of an experience on anyone else, I was able to gain a stronger testimony and grow closer to the Lord.

Every few days I get sad all over again, like right now, and even though I may have tears streaming down my face while typing this, I know that I'm not alone anymore. The Lord does not want me to be alone. He won't let me. And even though life handed me a large basket of sour lemons, throughout this experience, I was able to accumulate enough sugar to make a great lemonade.

The Wonderful Beginning

I finally broke down and embraced my inner Mormon girl and got a blog. I know what you're all thinking, 'KACEY HOW COULD YOU?!' Well, it's simple, I don't have time for a journal and a blog seems like an easy way to keep track of my life whenever I have a spare moment between classes. Besides, on a blog I can post pictures! And I love pictures. :) Okay, I'll stop talking to my imaginary audience now. So basically, I'm out here living the Mormon college life in Rexburg, Idaho. I'm majoring in Theatre Technology and Design and it's my second semester! So far life has been a little hectic, I have tons of classes that require lab hours and service hours outside of class as well as doing both of the plays. So even though I have no time for a social life, I love what I'm doing. I have some great roommates this semester too! I'm rooming with Laura, Elise, Danielle, and Charity and they're all great young ladies! We have so much fun together and are all super busy all the time. Charity and Laura are both engaged and getting married at the end of the semester, so they're always busy with wedding plans, Danielle is going to school full time as well as working, so it's always a fun time when we finally get to see her and hang out. Elise is taking a ton of chemistry and anatomy classes for her paramedicine degree, so there's hardly a time when she isn't doing homework. Then there's me who spends most of my free time in the theatre department making sets, making costumes, or cutting GI Joe dolls in half with my tech professor. Every day in the theatre department is an interesting one, from students singing opera in the fishbowl to professors dismembering GI Joe dolls, there is never a dull moment. And I'm so glad to be a part of the crazy theatre life. :)